So I thought I might post up some of my thoughts, maybe this will be carthartic. Maybe it will, as the name suggests, simply track my mental state until one day I finally decide to end it all and escape this life.

Not that I expect anyone to ever read this.

Monday, 5 December 2011

general update

Well its certainly been a while since I've posted anything up here, over a month by my reckoning.  So how have things been?

Well the new meds might have helped, maybe not but I can tell you one thing for sure they are making me sleepy as hell which makes work all that more difficult to get through.

I did get a dog in the end (screw the landlord) and she is awesome.  When I'm hanging out with her I automatically feel more at peace.  But really no surprise there I always have been and always will be a dog person.

Still absolutely no luck as far as women are concerned try as I may.  As much as I try to chat etc with girls all I ever get is th cold shoulder ignoring or friend zoned.  But such is my life.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

new meds

Well saw the doctor said things have been pretty rough and he's upped the dosage and referred me to a psych.  We'll see how this goes but I'm sure I'll be feeling somewhat poorer by the end of it.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Ugly? I dont think so....but

Sometimes I really wonder just what is wrong with me when it comes to women.  I mean, I wouldn't consider myself unattractive by my standards: I'm not overweight, I'm reasonably fit, I have a good job, my own place and yet, not a look at all from women.  This really only leaves me with the impression that the problem is that I'm just ugly plain and simple.

I mean most normal people will have a number of girlfriends over time and yet...not me? My friend tells me I just need to stress less about it but jeeze I can't just change the way I think anymore.

The saying goes that men think about sex every 10 seconds or some such crap, well sometimes I feel that way about thoughts of suicide.  I mean I wouldn't be able to go an hour with constantly thinking about putting a gun to my head and blowing it all away.  This makes it very hard to concentrate on anything for a length of time thats for sure.

Monday, 10 October 2011

not too bad

Well today was .... not too bad really.  Certainly the mood isn't anywhere near as low as it has been.  Probably helps that I've been drunk all weekend but whatever.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Do you like dags?

Oh you mean DOGS? Yeah I like dogs.

Just got back from a trip to melbourne to see blind guardian (german heavy metal band) and we were staying at a friend of a friends place.  He had a dog there and I have forgotten just how much I enjoy playing with and being around dogs in general.

When I was playing with him I really did forget my problems and cheer up for a while.  I guess it is that innocent, unquestioning loyalty and friendliness that they exude that does it.  My housemate pays me out for it but I am a retard around dogs I just have such an affinity for them which is probably unsurprising given I'm a furry.

I really wish I could get a dog but unfortunatly my landlord wont let me and there aren't many places around here that do allow pets.  This sucks I want a dog.

world so grey

It is interesting that for the longest time the world has felt like I am looking at it through a grey filter.  Nothing feels real and it all just seems so dull.  Where people see beauty or vibrancy I just see....I dunno plainess.  I'm sure this is related to the fact that I can't feel any real emotions except for sadness (if it even is that) but still something to ponder.....


I really feel incapable of emotions at this point except for a constant down feeling but even that isn't that extreme.  I just can't see the point of life at the moment, I'm just going through the motions of everyday life for the benefit of everyone around me.

What do I do?  I feel it all slipping away from me...

I really dont think these drugs are having any effect. If I make it to my next appointment I need to change them up

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

drugs vs pistols and outward appearances

Sometimes it is so hard to maintain this outward appearance of being all happy and cheerful so people don’t ask you hard questions when inside all you want to do is scream out and put a gun to your head.  Other times it amazes me how easily it comes, I guess after all these years of practice hiding this condition my body can automatically put on a good face.  This is most evident to me when I am teaching at university.  I can come across as a consummate public speaker and even forget all my issues for an hour or two, yet once it’s all over I’m right back to where I was.

On a more cheerful note I think that getting a hold of those drugs probably mightn’t be the easiest thing in the world as customs are likely to pick them up if I buy them on the net.  As such I’ve been thinking more and more that it might be more realistic to go down to a local pistol range and use their weapons to do it.  Sure it’ll be a shit fight for them but damn what will I care after?  I need to get of my arse and make a will one of these days.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Bad thoughts

Let’s start this by saying that these drugs make you god damn tired.  I can hardly keep myself awake here at work and as a consequence it is very hard to concentrate on any of my work. 

While I’m not doing any work it gives me much more time to think about things and that pretty much means suicide.  There is a commonly accepted saying that men think about sex every 6 seconds or words to that effect well I fell like that with thoughts of suicide.  Unless I am consciously occupied with a task I can always feel my mind slipping back to it.  I would say that I can not go more than an hour without thinking about how much better it would be if I was dead, or if I could go to sleep and just not wake up the next day.

Still, at least I’m not having thought of self harm any more and I’m not having any more anxiety, got to be thankful for the small mercies.  Obviously all these effects are from that girl and I’m hoping against hope that they go away over the next week or so and I can go back to how I was before I met her.  But if they don’t I guess I really should about upping my dose at my next doctors appointment.


Well that was a shit two weeks and what started it all but a girl of course so lets start at the start. After meeting and talking to lovely girl online on the local furry forums I thought I would be a nice local and take her out to lunch when she arrived in australia. She was coming here for a gap year of sorts to work out what she is doing with her life.

We go out to lunch with a few other furs and general merriment is had. During this lunch however we end up snuggling up against each other, holding hands and all that general flirty stuff. Great I'm thinking to myslef here is this pretty, outgoing and talented girl coming on to me I must be dreaming. I drop her home after lunch (which actually ran until late afternoon since we were talking for so long) and we made out for a little in the car with parting promises to see each other again.

Now before I go on I must preface this with some background about me. I have been been dealing with quite severe depression since I was 14 or so (at least thats when I can last remember being happy), thats ten years for those playing at home. The primary source of that depression was my complete inablility to find a girlfriend when absolutely everyone around me had no such problems. Fair enough in high school but unfortunatly this has continued on into adulthood. Now I would not consider myself a particularly unatractive person looking around at others, I have a good job treating cancer which pays well, I have my own house and nice things in it and i can afford to go out whenever I want (and I do this often). I am also in a sport club and various social clubs. All in all I would say I have every opportunity to meet single girls an yet....nothing. The only thing this leaves me to assume is that there is something wrong with me that the other gener doesn't like. As I have no problem at all talking to women I can only assume this is my looks.

So, back to my story. With this background it is clear to see that my day was certianly looking up as I drove home that night, hell she even drew me a picture of my character that night. But throughout my life I have found that the universe has a remarkable way of fucking me in the ass anytime it looks like I might be happy, and this was no different. Over the next week I tried to arrange to meet up again however she was always busy doing some thing or another. At this point alarm bells start to ring as strangely enough I have been rejected by many women over the years and this is now starting to sound like familiar territory.

Now I have recently started taking anti depressents and I have to say that for the first month I thought I was seeing some improvement; I was having far fewer if any decents into deep depressions and generally felt better. But that first week I was being hit with the hardest anxiety attacks which is strange to me as I have never had anxiety for anything. I don't know if increased anxiety is a side effect of these drugs but I was hit hard. I've never understood the idea of self harm but in those days I was really struggling with the impulse to cut myself to try and focus some of this crazy energy and...I dont know how to describe it flowing through my body. I mean I simply could not stop thinking of this girl, I was sleping like shit and couldn't concentrate on anything at work.

Then that friday I was at the pub having drinks after work and who else do I see there but this girl. I knew she was going out that night for a friend of her cousins birthday but never expected to end up at the same pub. What luck I thought, it was meant to be. So we chatted away the night danced and generally had fun. Throughout the night my friends were commenting on hwo nice she was and how into me she seemed so I thought great, both these guys have had more girlfriends than me (ie at least one) so they must have some insight into the female mind. Then the penny dropped.

Earlier in the week she had mentioned in an message that there was somethign she wanted to talk about but only in person. Turns out that on tuesday (ie 2 days after making out with me for like 20 minutes) she had decided to make it official with some guy she had met at a con who lived in wales (she is from the netherlands). My friends told me not to worry she still seems pretty into you maybe that was just a guilty reaction after making out with you. I could handle that maybe they are right "Joshua's Law" has to be proven wrong one of these days right? Wrong. So we had fun that night and said goodbye (no making out that night obviously but she still seemed very...friendly?), she was going to come over on the sunday to watch some movies. So that seemed promising, or is that just me?

So she comes over, we watch a range of movies and here is the confusing part: we hold hands the whole time with her leaning on me at various times throughout the day. So I cook us dinner, everyone seems to enjoy it. I drop her home and she says she had a great time and we should do it again another time. Once again seems good, but damn back comes that anxiety again. Can't think of anything else so I pour it all out to her in a long message jsut lay it all out there. Well long story short she is definatly committed to this guy and all the hand holding etc is just her way of being friendly and she does that with everyone. Not only that but she didn't really mean to make out with me that first day, she just didn't want to make a fuss.

So REALLY long story short turns out the universe just wanted to fuck with me for a while and give me a bit of hope that I might have a bit of happiness in my life. So now I dont have that anxiety anymore (thank god) but instead it has just been replaced with the old depression that I thought had gone for the last month.

This rejection has really driven home just how hopeless my cause is, I'm almost certain that I will be single for my whole life, or at least whats left of it. I say this cause I'll be damned if my thoughts of suicide haven come back with a vengence since. Its all I have been able to think about since really I've even gone so far as to research the drugs I'm going to need and where I can source them. As I dont have easy access to a gun any more I think it will be drugs since I don't think I could really bring myself to go any other way.

So TLDR version: thought I was gonna be happy, turns out I'm not. Might kill myself soon.