So I thought I might post up some of my thoughts, maybe this will be carthartic. Maybe it will, as the name suggests, simply track my mental state until one day I finally decide to end it all and escape this life.

Not that I expect anyone to ever read this.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

still here

Well I'm still around and generally just puttering along.  I certainly have discovered that anti depressants do cause dependence when i forgot to take them for a bunch of days while at midfur recently.  Was going all dizzy and shit and had no idea what was going on, then it hit me I had realised how long it had been sicne I took my meds.

I have recently had a pretty rough patch, nothing much to trigger it, juat general loneliness really hitting home.

man, this sucks.

Monday, 5 December 2011

general update

Well its certainly been a while since I've posted anything up here, over a month by my reckoning.  So how have things been?

Well the new meds might have helped, maybe not but I can tell you one thing for sure they are making me sleepy as hell which makes work all that more difficult to get through.

I did get a dog in the end (screw the landlord) and she is awesome.  When I'm hanging out with her I automatically feel more at peace.  But really no surprise there I always have been and always will be a dog person.

Still absolutely no luck as far as women are concerned try as I may.  As much as I try to chat etc with girls all I ever get is th cold shoulder ignoring or friend zoned.  But such is my life.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

new meds

Well saw the doctor said things have been pretty rough and he's upped the dosage and referred me to a psych.  We'll see how this goes but I'm sure I'll be feeling somewhat poorer by the end of it.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Ugly? I dont think so....but

Sometimes I really wonder just what is wrong with me when it comes to women.  I mean, I wouldn't consider myself unattractive by my standards: I'm not overweight, I'm reasonably fit, I have a good job, my own place and yet, not a look at all from women.  This really only leaves me with the impression that the problem is that I'm just ugly plain and simple.

I mean most normal people will have a number of girlfriends over time and yet...not me? My friend tells me I just need to stress less about it but jeeze I can't just change the way I think anymore.

The saying goes that men think about sex every 10 seconds or some such crap, well sometimes I feel that way about thoughts of suicide.  I mean I wouldn't be able to go an hour with constantly thinking about putting a gun to my head and blowing it all away.  This makes it very hard to concentrate on anything for a length of time thats for sure.

Monday, 10 October 2011

not too bad

Well today was .... not too bad really.  Certainly the mood isn't anywhere near as low as it has been.  Probably helps that I've been drunk all weekend but whatever.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Do you like dags?

Oh you mean DOGS? Yeah I like dogs.

Just got back from a trip to melbourne to see blind guardian (german heavy metal band) and we were staying at a friend of a friends place.  He had a dog there and I have forgotten just how much I enjoy playing with and being around dogs in general.

When I was playing with him I really did forget my problems and cheer up for a while.  I guess it is that innocent, unquestioning loyalty and friendliness that they exude that does it.  My housemate pays me out for it but I am a retard around dogs I just have such an affinity for them which is probably unsurprising given I'm a furry.

I really wish I could get a dog but unfortunatly my landlord wont let me and there aren't many places around here that do allow pets.  This sucks I want a dog.

world so grey

It is interesting that for the longest time the world has felt like I am looking at it through a grey filter.  Nothing feels real and it all just seems so dull.  Where people see beauty or vibrancy I just see....I dunno plainess.  I'm sure this is related to the fact that I can't feel any real emotions except for sadness (if it even is that) but still something to ponder.....