So I thought I might post up some of my thoughts, maybe this will be carthartic. Maybe it will, as the name suggests, simply track my mental state until one day I finally decide to end it all and escape this life.

Not that I expect anyone to ever read this.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Bad thoughts

Let’s start this by saying that these drugs make you god damn tired.  I can hardly keep myself awake here at work and as a consequence it is very hard to concentrate on any of my work. 

While I’m not doing any work it gives me much more time to think about things and that pretty much means suicide.  There is a commonly accepted saying that men think about sex every 6 seconds or words to that effect well I fell like that with thoughts of suicide.  Unless I am consciously occupied with a task I can always feel my mind slipping back to it.  I would say that I can not go more than an hour without thinking about how much better it would be if I was dead, or if I could go to sleep and just not wake up the next day.

Still, at least I’m not having thought of self harm any more and I’m not having any more anxiety, got to be thankful for the small mercies.  Obviously all these effects are from that girl and I’m hoping against hope that they go away over the next week or so and I can go back to how I was before I met her.  But if they don’t I guess I really should about upping my dose at my next doctors appointment.

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