So I thought I might post up some of my thoughts, maybe this will be carthartic. Maybe it will, as the name suggests, simply track my mental state until one day I finally decide to end it all and escape this life.

Not that I expect anyone to ever read this.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

new meds

Well saw the doctor said things have been pretty rough and he's upped the dosage and referred me to a psych.  We'll see how this goes but I'm sure I'll be feeling somewhat poorer by the end of it.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Ugly? I dont think so....but

Sometimes I really wonder just what is wrong with me when it comes to women.  I mean, I wouldn't consider myself unattractive by my standards: I'm not overweight, I'm reasonably fit, I have a good job, my own place and yet, not a look at all from women.  This really only leaves me with the impression that the problem is that I'm just ugly plain and simple.

I mean most normal people will have a number of girlfriends over time and yet...not me? My friend tells me I just need to stress less about it but jeeze I can't just change the way I think anymore.

The saying goes that men think about sex every 10 seconds or some such crap, well sometimes I feel that way about thoughts of suicide.  I mean I wouldn't be able to go an hour with constantly thinking about putting a gun to my head and blowing it all away.  This makes it very hard to concentrate on anything for a length of time thats for sure.

Monday, 10 October 2011

not too bad

Well today was .... not too bad really.  Certainly the mood isn't anywhere near as low as it has been.  Probably helps that I've been drunk all weekend but whatever.

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Do you like dags?

Oh you mean DOGS? Yeah I like dogs.

Just got back from a trip to melbourne to see blind guardian (german heavy metal band) and we were staying at a friend of a friends place.  He had a dog there and I have forgotten just how much I enjoy playing with and being around dogs in general.

When I was playing with him I really did forget my problems and cheer up for a while.  I guess it is that innocent, unquestioning loyalty and friendliness that they exude that does it.  My housemate pays me out for it but I am a retard around dogs I just have such an affinity for them which is probably unsurprising given I'm a furry.

I really wish I could get a dog but unfortunatly my landlord wont let me and there aren't many places around here that do allow pets.  This sucks I want a dog.

world so grey

It is interesting that for the longest time the world has felt like I am looking at it through a grey filter.  Nothing feels real and it all just seems so dull.  Where people see beauty or vibrancy I just see....I dunno plainess.  I'm sure this is related to the fact that I can't feel any real emotions except for sadness (if it even is that) but still something to ponder.....


I really feel incapable of emotions at this point except for a constant down feeling but even that isn't that extreme.  I just can't see the point of life at the moment, I'm just going through the motions of everyday life for the benefit of everyone around me.

What do I do?  I feel it all slipping away from me...

I really dont think these drugs are having any effect. If I make it to my next appointment I need to change them up